National Coming Out Day: A Personal Essay by Byron Macfarlane

 

I've been out and proud as a gay man for 19 years.

While I knew I was different, I think as early as 11 or 12, the 90's/early 2000's was not a great time to come out. I saw one of the only openly gay students in my high school bullied relentlessly. There were few role models in public life or pop culture. I knew even as a teenager that I would probably never be able to marry and have children, a "normal" life, so to speak. The only other gay man in my family was a great uncle, who was ostracized by my father's entire family, left the state never to return, and who I regrettably never got to know before he passed.

But eventually time was up for living in the closet. I just couldn't do it anymore. After college, I spent 16 months working in the Maryland General Assembly, and then began law school. I remember clearly it was right after orientation, I was home with my mom, who could tell - as only mothers can - that something was on my mind and I needed her. I did most of the crying, but she calmly and lovingly told me that I was her son and she loved me no matter what. My brother was similarly supportive. 

"I love being a gay man and the experiences it has given me in my life."

And fortunately, I had already chosen years prior to no longer involve my father and his family- racists, misogynists, and homophobes - in my life. To paraphrase Noxzema Jackson in To Wong Foo, their approval was neither desired nor required. And my friends were also largely supportive, along with members of my extended local Democratic political family. Over the years, I even found I have four cousins who are also openly queer and I'm so happy for them. 

I've had it easier than many, and I am grateful to my family, friends, and community for accepting me as I was made. I love being a gay man and the experiences it has given me in my life.

 No one should have to come out. I look forward to a future that has less of the oppressive heterosexism we have today - where it's assumed you're straight, you will marry, you will have children, you will check all of the "right boxes," unless you state otherwise (and explain yourself) - and more of an open-minded, accepting, and loving world that I think can represent humanity at its best.

Until then, come out and just be you, if you can and you feel safe doing it. It's liberating. No more shame. No more pain. No more "I wonder what they'll think." Let them think whatever they want. The judgment of others about who you are is completely meaningless. What truly matters, what really means something, is choosing a life of honesty and authenticity and happiness in who you are.

Happy National Coming Out Day.

Byron Macfarlane, the first openly gay individual elected in Howard County, Md., has been the County’s Register of Wills for over 14 years and is seeking re-election. His website can be found here.